Professional Lawyer Caught Sleeping In Trash Can, Resigns

Having been caught in the city's waste-removal service, professional lawyer in the Indiana Justice Department has resigned from his position and withdrawn himself from practice.

Lawyers around the nation, even some internationally, have spoken with much derision over the actions taken by both the offender who had leaked the photos, and the lawyer himself. British lawyer Nigel Mariweather was quoted saying, "As an upholder of the Justice System, you should be proud of your drunken naps in garbage cans. It is because of our efforts in making the world a more whole place that we can enjoy the comforts trashcans, dumpsters, piles of garbage bags, and discarded cardboard boxes can contain."

Joining the cause, lawyers across the globe have spent the night in dank alleys and secluded spaces in order to convince the original offender to return to his job in litigation. Louisiana lawyer Ariel Aarons stated, "He's an inspiration to us all. There's something wholly 'right' about exercising our right, even as distinguished figures of Justice, to sleep with the rest of the garbage."

After the interviews were concluded, most lawyers spoke off the record of having similar photos of them sleeping in such strange places as public parks, bars, bathrooms, and the arms of men and women that were not their respective spouses.

The original lawyer could not be reached for details, but reports confirm that the lawyer mentioned, bemoaningly and with a drunken slur that, "I'm very comfortable sleeping both with and surrounded by trash. This is also where I work, you know."

President-Elect Obama Shows New Face Post Campaign

President-Elect Obama has shown a new, and unusual side from his personality most recently, as it has been decided that his campaign is over.

In a recent statement, Elect Obama stated, "I just feel I'm educating the 'Merican people about the trials and tribulifications they're going to be facing during my coming term."

Obama continued, saying, "We want to inspire the families in American, working several jobs, pursuing the 'Merican Dream! Working hard, and working too hard, to put food on their families."

The speech carried for several hours, and stumbled blindly through grammar and syntax, often too jumbled to be recorded correctly.

At the end of the statement, President-Elect Obama stated that he will be happy to take the reigns of the country for the coming four years, and encouraged the American people to approach him directly, and speak to him frankly. "Just call me O. Dubya Boma."

The American people could not immediately be reached for comment, but many could be seen with the heads buried in their hands.

US Military Motorcycle Fatalities exceed War Casualties

The United States Military is calling for a reconsideration of the use of motorcycles for the armed infantry units as more American deaths have come from these machines than have come from guns.

"They're a blight on our spotless military record," says Private First Class Admiral Jenkins. "They're the one most common soldier-killer across the war-zone." Statistics have shown that motorcycles are more effective killers than the guns used by insurgents in the Middle East. Largely, the Japanese brands of Sports Bikes, often dubbed "crotch rockets" by the soldiers, are the largest contributors to the deaths of soldiers.

Private Samuel Mitchson, a long-time motorcycle enthusiast, has said that the deaths have more to do with poor maintenance and riding form than the dangers of the bikes themselves. "If the other PIs would just learn how to ride, then tons of these deaths could be avoided."

Despite military efforts to bar motorcycles within the military base, local bike mechanic Captain Lee Roy-Jenkins says, "This is a pointless distraction. The military is using statistics and misdirection to sidetrack our citizens from the truth. We're wasting our time here. You don't see our soldiers pinned down by rogue Kawasakis, revving their engines and releasing exhaust threateningly. The military just needs to stick to fighting, and let the rest of us fight this war for the right reasons, instead of pretending vehicles are an issue to be debated."

When polling stateside veterans, the Hawaiian military port Pearl Harbor voted a near unanimous, 97%, agreement with the military on removing Japanese machinery from the Middle Eastern bases. When asked for a statement, it was a simple missive, "Don't trust them Japs."

New Voting Machines Announced by Government Officials

Voting is to be made "more fun" by government officials for the coming election. The new voting machines, designed like Slot machines, are made to keep voters entertained while doing their democractic duty.

"It's just simple fun," stated government analyst Joyce Dressonsen, "and makes voting more appealing to the whole spectrum of votes, from the just-legal-voters to the elderly. These are the kinds of innovations this country needs right now. These are the technologies that will bridge the gap between young and mature, new and old, cutting-edge and classic. Finally, a step in the right direction from our country."

Voters themselves are far more spread-out by the inclusion of the new voting paraphernalia. "It hurts me to see the citizens pandered to like we were the lowest common denominators of intelligence. Just because there was a re-count, and some ballot confusion, now the Executive Branch is treating the citizens like we were toddlers, to be coddled and distracted by bright lights and cooing sounds instead of putting it bluntly. We're at a voting hall, not a casino, and all the bright lights in the world will only distract us from the severity of the decision we make in the ballot box. Everything else, including the size, shape, and style of the ballot is redundant. It's about the issues and the future, not about such pedestrian trivialities such as appearance."

After a moment of introspection, she added, "And vote for McCain, because Obama is black."

Both the Obama and McCain campaigns are speaking highly of the new voting apparatus, and are strongly supported by their vice presidents in that regard.

"It's a step in the right direction," Obama released in a statement, "it's the kind of Change I've been talking about from the first day!"

Polls are showing that most voting tables and machines have a $5 chip minimum, and will be serving happy hour from 11 AM until 5 PM on voting day.

Thousands of Olympians Disqualified

The Beijing Olympics came to a crashing halt early this morning when nearly two thousand Olympians from various countries lockers' were subject to random search. The results were a shocking discovery that every Olympian had a copious amount of steroids, as well as the necessary equipment for daily use throughout the competition.

Despite this discovery, every American competitor was found to be completely free of the illegal substance. The officials were shocked, and outraged, when news had traveled to them. He released a statement shortly after the discovery.

"We were really surprised to find that all of the competitors except for the Americans were planning on using drugs throughout the competition. It's an affront to the tradition of the Olympics, and a shameful commentary for the Olympics here at Beijing."

An American man, concealing a black bag and looking around very nervously for what he called "any coppers" waived comments as he evaded being stopped. No foul play is suspected.

In Pursuit of Lower Education

In what public educators are describing as "absurd and completely unorthodox," local parents are starting an Underground Education Movement (UEM) in Mississippi, citing the trouble with shrinking grades and even lower standardized test scores.

One troubled parent, Miranda Darkwaters, is tutoring her own kids, as well as most of the neighbor's as well. "We can't just accept the declining scores as the only alternative. Instead of spending hundreds of extra dollars on private schools, why not homeschool?" She continued, saying, "But why stop there? Home-classes. Where we teach multiple students at once. It's more efficient, less expensive, and tailored to each student. There's no lack of teaching assistance online and with friends and neighbors. It's just a good idea."

Her neighbor and fellow UEM member, Marshall Clarview, commented, "with the test scores as low as they are, students are already buried underground. Why not teach them there?"

Mississippi educators are less pleased with the idea. "Between the No Child Left Behind Act, and countless regulations the public at large isn't even aware of, we have enough trouble teaching both a functional curriculum. Pushing aside the red tape isn't solving the problem. What about the students with less concerned or more busy parents? Do they have less right to an education? As our classroom population dwindles, our funding dwindles, and then we start losing classrooms... Then schools."

Local Elementary school principal, who requested remain anonymous stated, "This is a turn for the worse for our education system and our educators. If this continues to fail, then we may yet have a closure of all of the schools in this county. But to recover our scores, we would need to teach for tests, not for material. There's no winning right now..."

Local teen Spenser Manchester paused for a quick comment, "If it were me, I'd drop out of school entirely. But those Underground school dudes are cool. They let me smoke pot in class." As he departed, UEM member Marshall Clarview approached, watching the departing, visibly happy student. "We've come so far, haven't we?"

Global Cellular Black-Out Leaves Callers Blue

With the loss of global cell company, Viotrox Mobile's, main cellular station and tower, people were in a panic throughout the globe on June 12th, 2008. The tower reached a critical failure at 7 PM, and the back-up generators were mysteriously offline for the duration of the black-out.

The New York office of Viotrox Mobile released a statement earlier this morning, explaining, "The failure of the tower is in no way a common occurance, and our engineers are working to restore the network completely, as well as offering a discount to all of our cellular service members, 25% off this month for last night's inconvience."

Viotrox representative Michael Longston also released this statement to the public, "Any person with questions is encouraged to call Viotrox's Public Help Line so that their question can be expedited quickly and efficiently."

Global cell phone users, no longer in a panic, had many statements regarding the knockout of one of the largest cellular companies for a few hours.

New York Police Department's Sergent Langdon Marks, after spending a large part of the evening doing Riot Control with a host of New York's Finest, declined commenting in favor of resting after 32 hours of wake, 12 of those filled with the Riot Squad.

On a related note, riots have gone down exponentially from that evening, marking a very notable 78% decline from the previous evening.

A representative from the group Cell Phones Anonymous offered to make a statement in lieu of the cellular blackout. "This blackout, and the ensuing riots, are proof that this nation, and this world, have become too reliant on the use of cellular telephones, and have become complacent to the face-to-face recreation that humans so apparently need."

The statement continued at length, describing the lives of each member of CPA, and how it destroyed their lives. In conclusion, she offered this final piece of advice, "You can't hug your kids with Cellular arms!"

BioFuel Controversy Lights Up

As the World Food Crisis 2008 grows steadily, activists are now turning a critical eye on the United States for their dependency on fuel, and subsequent need to use a large amount of agriculture to power America's obese fuel-consumption.


Activist and licensed therapist for African children, Reverend Martha Mitters released in a public statement,

America's out of control fuel consumption
is leading to the world to a crisis
that could affect the welfare of the entire
nation. As a child of God, I feel that we
should strive for the well-being of all
mankind, even if it sacrifices our
ability to drive or use cars for travel.

This press release was met with a lot of resistance from the American public. Texas resident Gary Strobehelm, former member of Texas Senate, replied with, "Y'all have been campaigning for the use of alternative fuels since the war in Iraq started. Now that we're finally gettin' to use these alternative fuels, y'all're condemning us. Ain't a way to win in y'all's eyes, is there?"

New York citizen Marcus Robbins also commented, "These children have been in a food crisis their entire lives, and although the corn-based Ethanol is a problem for the African nations, we can't be held accountable for seeking a more eco-friendly solution to the fuel problem in the world."

Ecological extremist Thomas Yokes, pausing after fleeing the scene of a burning gas station, left a brief comment before fleeing into the woods, "We need to show America that fuel is for sheep! Down with the system! Anarchy!"

Jail Filled to Capacity

In line with CNN.com's public analysts, after the release of Rockstar's famous game Grand Theft Auto IV, jails were filled to the brim within 48 hours of the game's release.

"It's a common case of mimicry," says analyst Joyce Laprica, "the players of most violent video games will mimic the acts in the game within the next 24 hours."

"It's very surprising," game reporter Jim Namander, "I honestly did not foresee this incredible increase in the population of jails following the release of GTA IV."

Prison Warden, Jaq Romsem, expressed great interest in the pique of jail occupants. "We've been at an all-time low for tenants in the past few years. With the housing market, I'm surprised we don't see more permanent residents among these halls. But this new game, GTA IV, we'll have more people. I'm very happy."

Fox News analyst, who refused to be named, "These murder simulators will do nothing but increase the population of the jails, and the increase in crimes, will be the end of the world and the coming of anarchy. Be afraid, men, I fear for the release of Gran Turismo 5, which will increase the number of reckless driving and vehicular manslaughter by 2009."

Despite the coming of further game releases, CNN Analysts are going to the movies to enjoy Saw VI: Rise of the Machines, and other safe, non-violent medias.

Presidental Election Polls Updated

With the frantic battle between likely suspects for the next President of the United States. The debate has come to a frenzy as many Clinton voters move to back Obama after something of several political scandals on the part of Hillary's campaign.

But, taking the polls completely by surprise is the 87% overwhelming vote as Clinton for the President.

The confusion came to a crashing halt when poll-takers realized their mistake, and noted that 86% of the 87% of Clinton polls were actually write-ins for former President Bill Clinton.

"This comes as an absolute surprise to me," mentioned a harrowed-looking poll official as he hurried across a crowded room, juggling tasks on two separate computers. "I was under the impression the American citizens knew that Mr. President could not be re-elected."

"Not surprising, though." Mentioned a man outside of the official polls, "he was an excellent President."

"Sure," counters another poll patron, "Americans are often stuck in their past. Clinton's gone, let's all move on... As a nation."

When informed of his overwhelming lead in the polls, ex-President Bill Clinton released in a small press conference a simple sentence. "I knew you'd be back."